kanna-chan's cafe

No.

No.

NO.

*deep breath*

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’M NOT REVIEWING THIS CRAP! THE FACT THAT I EVEN GOT THROUGH IT IN ONE SITTING IS A TESTAMENT TO MY SANITY!

Sigh…

I suppose I don’t have much of a choice, do I? This is…Dragonball: Evolution.

I know that the Nostalgia Critic, MasakoX of Team Four Star, and Little Kuriboh from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged teamed up to review this already, but I want to review this on my own merit. Plus, I was on a bus where they lied about the Wi-Fi (ugh…) so I’m already pissed that I have to type this on Microsoft Word and not on here where the formatting is already as I like it. I figured I’d take my anger out on something.

Out of all the live action adaptations I’ve seen and talked to my friends about, Dragonball: Evolution is probably the worst of the worst. The bottom of the barrel. The…well, I could go on, but I won’t for the sake of this review.

Let’s get my biggest issue with the movie out of the way: the whitewashing.

DEAR G-D this movie is whitewashed down to its core. It’s bad enough that they picked actors hardly anyone has heard of, but to add insult to injury, the casting people decided they needed to have the majority of their cast be white actors and actresses. I know the Critic and co. addressed this already in their review, but I’m bringing this point up again.

*deep breath*

GOKU DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A GOKU!!!!!

Ok, kanna, calm down. Let’s look at this rationally. Well, as rationally as we can.

In the film, Goku is played by white actor, Justin Chatwin. This wouldn’t be too much of a problem…if the guy playing his grandfather was white. The guy playing his grandfather is ASIAN, and his name is Randall Duk Kim. I would be more forgiving if they established that Goku was adopted, but that was never established, so I can be as relentless as I want with this piece of crap.

Also (not that I’m complaining), why was Ernie Hudson in this? Was it so the viewers could make Ghostbusters references related to how much this movie sucks? I’m not saying Ernie Hudson being in this was something I disliked; I’m saying I don’t understand why he was in it for about two minutes, if that.

Let’s see…what else…oh, right! Characterization.

Not only does Goku not look like a Goku, Justin Chatwin can’t act like Goku to save his sorry rear. Actually…none of the characters, except for Roshi, act like their characters. Could they possibly be more out of character? Don’t answer that; I don’t think I want to know.

Look, I know it’s an adaptation and you’re supposed to be changes. But, like I said in my reviews of the live action Attack on Titan movies, they have to be changes that MAKE SENSE. NONE OF THE CHANGES HERE MAKE ANY SENSE! I shouldn’t be making a huge deal about this, but let me give you some of my issues with the changes made.

For starters: why is Chi Chi in this? I hate to keep saying “in Dragon Ball this” and “in Dragon Ball that,” but I have nothing else to compare this movie to because I never read the manga. So, in Dragon Ball, Chi Chi wasn’t just Goku’s love interest. She was the princess of Fire Mountain and the daughter of the Ox-King! Here, she’s portrayed by actress Jamie Chung, who isn’t a bad choice, but…her character could have been so much better! She’s first portrayed as a total airhead, then it turns out that she’s a fighter who contributed absolutely NOTHING to the plot! Now, you could argue that she’s the victim of bad, stupid writing. And that would be valid. But again, the girl contributes NOTHING.

Speaking of Jamie Chung, she made several remarks in an interview about the movie that made me question her sanity. Like this one: “Justin Chatwin is a pro. Not only does he fit the character internally – he has Goku’s essence – but he looks like a cartoon character! With his big, blue eyes, he looks like Japanese anime!”

Hahahaha…ha…ha…ha. No…no, he doesn’t. Jamie, Justin Chatwin is NOT a pro. James Marsters, the guy who played Piccolo, is a pro who should have turned down the role the second he read the script. Not only that, but a pro is someone who is really, really well-known. Take Ronald Perlman, the guy who was originally offered the role of Piccolo, for example. Ronald Perlman is also a pro, and he was smart to turn down the role (although he did it to work on Hellboy II: The Golden Army and probably not because the script was bad).

Speaking of Justin Chatwin, did I mention that in nearly every scene he’s in when he glares or something along those lines, he looks like he’s constipated? I don’t know what the deal with that is. It could be his acting, it could just be natural for him, or something. I honestly don’t know, but it’s not like that episode of Friends where Joey got the part by constantly looking like he had to take a piss when he actually had to take a piss.

On another note: what is with those HORRIBLE effects? For a show that’s known for its fighting, Dragon Ball: Evolution did NOT adapt this well at all. During what was supposed to be an epic fight against Piccolo, Goku got maybe two hits in. The fights were terribly choreographed and whoever choreographed them should be grateful they still have a job (if they still have a job).

Finally: WHY THE FLYING CRAP DO THEY REFER TO IT AS AIR BENDING?! To quote the Critic, “Do they not know the difference between anime (Dragon Ball), not anime (Avatar: The Last Airbender), and abominations of G-d (M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender)?” I mean…why? This is just lazy, bad, stupid writing!

Oh, wait, I forgot something. I’d say spoiler alert, but this movie sucks so much that I’m not going to bother with it and just spoil it for you. I honestly don't think people will care if I spoil this for them.

There’s a mid-credits scene where we learn that Piccolo survived the final battle against Goku and is being tended to by a woman. We don’t know who this woman is, how she knows Piccolo, or anything, but so much emphasis is placed on every single little thing she does. I guess it was meant to show that there would be a sequel, but this movie bombed in the box office, big time. 

What’s most surprising to me is that in 2009, the movie was actually nominated for a Spike TV Scream Award for “Best Comic Book Movie,” but lost to Watchmen. Which, let’s be honest, I’m not surprised by. Hm…maybe I’ll watch that after this review.

I forgot one more thing: what were the make-up and costuming people thinking when they decided not to use wigs? Emmy Rossum, the girl who played Bulma, was originally going to wear a blue wig to resemble her anime counterpart. However, they decided it looked too “unrealistic.” Right…because Yugi’s hair in Yu-Gi-Oh! looks more realistic than anything else, doesn’t it (sarcasm)? Chatwin didn’t wear a wig, either, because the director felt that Chatwin’s hair resembled Goku’s. Um…hahaha…no. Just no. I’m not even going to dive into this point any further.

Let’s talk about some reactions. More specifically, the creator of the original source material’s reaction. Akira Toriyama, the creator of Dragon Ball, was initially surprised by the idea of Dragon Ball: Evolution and told his fans to treat it as an alternate universe version of his work. However, in an interview about the eighteenth feature film based on the Dragon Ball series (Dragon Ball Z: Battle of the Gods), Toriyama said the following (this is a translation):

“…the script didn’t really capture the world or the characteristics (of Dragon Ball). What’s more, because I thought the content was bland and not so interesting, I cautioned them and gave them ideas for changes. Nevertheless, they had this odd confidence and didn’t really comply with my suggestions. And just as I thought, the result was a movie I cannot call Dragon Ball.”

Wow. This coming from the creator of the original source material is just probably the biggest insult a live action adaptation can get. I completely agree with him. This isn’t Dragon Ball. Not by a long shot.

How did the writers of the movie react to such criticism from not only the creator, but die-hard fans, moviegoers, and harsh critics? Well, in 2016, writer Ben Ramsey actually issued an apology. He wrote the following:

“To have something with my name on it as the writer to be so globally reviled is gut wrenching. To receive hate mail from all over the world is heartbreaking. (…) I went into the project chasing after a big payday, not as a fan of the franchise but as a businessman taking on an assignment. I have learned that when you go into a creative endeavor without passion you come out with sub-optimal results, and sometimes flat out garbage. So, I’m not blaming anyone for Dragon Ball [Evolution] but myself.”

Wow. Someone from the movie actually issued an apology for this piece of crap. I don’t know if fans accepted it or not, but the fact that the writer actually APOLOGIZED for the film (seven years late) is huge. Most writers, directors, or producers of bad movies don't do this. We didn't get this for Netflix's Death Note or the live action Attack on Titan like we deserved. Adam Winguard, if you're reading this, we're still waiting on that apology.

Well, that felt both good and bad. Good because I actually took my anger out on something. Bad because now I have a headache. See, this is what bad live action adaptations do to you.

All right, hopefully I'll review something that's actually good for my birthday. Let's see...

*looks at December line-up*

All righty! This looks decent! See you next time for Yona of the Dawn!

On that note, it just occurred to me that I registered for classes for the last time. I feel a little weird. Not good weird, not bad weird, just weird.

Haha, it’s actually kind of bittersweet. I’m leaving most of my friends behind. But it’s all good, because I’ll be able to go into my teaching career. Thank G-d, because the fall semester has been stressful as f**k (it’s a long story and I don’t want to bore you with the details).

That aside, let’s get to Anime Monday! Let’s see…what am I reviewing today?

Hm…too cliché…saving that for the fifth anniversary…saving that for #50…come on, there has to be SOMETHING here! Wait, what’s this? A musical anime that UtaPri probably ripped off of? I’ll take it! This is…La Corda d’Oro.

I’ll get to why I’m convinced UtaPri ripped off this anime later. For now, let’s focus on background and plot.

La Corda d’Oro (Italian for “The Golden String”) was originally a role-playing game targeted at a female audience under the Neoromance series from Koei. It was only released in Japan for Windows computers, the PS2, and the PSP in 2003, 2004, and 2005, respectively.

In 2004, a manga adaptation by Yuki Kure was released. You might recognize her from…um…wow, I haven’t heard of any of her other works. I guess that La Corda d’Oro is what she is best known for. She has other stuff under her belt, but it looks like La Corda d’Oro is her major work. Ok.

In 2006, an anime adaptation called La Corda d’Oro: Primo Passo premiered and ran from October 2006 to March 2007 for 26 episodes. In 2009, a 2-episode “special” aired called La Corda d’Oro: Secondo Passo aired. Then, in 2014, a spin-off series called La Corda d’Oro Blue Sky aired.

For this Anime Monday, I’ll be talking about La Corda d’Oro: Primo Passo.

The anime tells the story of Kahoko Hino, a girl who attends a school that is split into two departments: the general education department and the music department. She’s a student in the general education department who runs into a musical fairy (I couldn’t make that up if I tried) named Lili, who grants her a magical violin and a place in the school’s music competition.

Kahoko has no prior musical experience or knowledge and initially refuses, but Lili tells her that she can play any piece on the violin as long as she knows the tune and plays it with her heart. As the competition goes on, she grows attached to the other contenders, and vice versa (though they never admit it directly to her).

There isn’t really much to talk about with regards to the characters. All our anime tropes are there, as well as most of our UtaPri tropes and voice actors. Yeah, I bet you didn’t see that coming, did you? Turns out that a good amount of the characters for the anime are voiced by actors who also did voice acting for UtaPri.

This is going to be a relatively short review, because there isn’t much to talk about. I mean…well, we’ll get to that with the reason of why I gave the anime the rating I did.

Rating: 1/10 (and that's being generous)